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THE LOOTITUDES

The Lootitudes (Part I)

(1) And seeing the multitudes, corruption went up into Aso Rock; and when he was set, the politicians came unto him;

(2) And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:

(3) Blessed are the clueless in wisdom; for theirs is the Presidency of the nation.

(4) Blessed are they that rig elections, for they shall be elected.

(5) Blessed are the thieves; for they shall inherit the National Assembly.

(6) Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after public funds; for their accounts shall be filled.

(7) Blessed are the bribe-takers, for they shall obtain big bribes.

(8) Blessed are the Petroleum Ministers, for they shall loot trillions.

(9) Blessed are the bootlickers, for they shall be called the Federal Executhief Council.

(10) Blessed are they which are prosecuted for corruption’s sake; for theirs is the kingdom of wealth.

(11) Blessed are ye, when EFCC shall invite you, and interrogate you, and bring all manner of charges against you, for my sake.

(12) Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad; for fat are your accounts in Swiss banks; for so they prosecuted the politicians which were before you.

(13) Ye are the thieves of the nation; but if the thief have lost his craftiness, wherewith shall he be looting? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be charged to court, and be sentenced to prison.

(14) Ye are the liars of the nation, a lie that is carefully thought-out cannot be found out.

(15) Neither do politicians cook a big lie, and serve it to SaharaReporters, but to NTA; and it gives false hope unto all that watch the 9pm news.

(16) Let your gowns so flow before men, that they may see your big loots, and glorify your father which is in Ota.

(17) Think not that I am come to arrest the fuel marketers

(18) For verily I say unto you, till heaven and earth pass, one naira or one kobo shall not be left in the Federation Account, but all be looted away.

(19) Whosever shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the Asiwaju in the kingdom of corruption; but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called BOT Chairman in the kingdom of corruption.

(20) For I say unto you, except your corruption shall exceed the corruption of policemen and lawmakers, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of immunity.

(21) Ye have heard that it was said by them of the old time, Thou shall not loot; and whosoever shall loot shall be in danger of the judgment:

(22) But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his party without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say, stop looting, shall be in danger of penury, the elder brother of poverty.

(23) Therefore if thou bring thy loot to the UK, and there rememberest that the EFCC has case against thee

(24) Leave thy loot in a UK bank and go to Dubai; first be reconciled to the EFCC Chairman and come and enjoy thy loot.

(25) Bribe thy prosecutors quickly while thou art in the way with him; lest at any time he deliver thee to the judge, and the judge sentence thee, and thou be cast into prison.

(26) Verily I say unto you, thou shall by no means come out thence, till thou hast entered a plea bargain.

 

To be continued on omojuwa.com

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About zebbook

Teacher, Writer, Social Evangelist

95 comments

  1. this zebbook boy don kolo finally oh, chai.

  2. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha …. Bukkie ma pa mi pelu erin oooooo! I love this! KUDOS my guy.

  3. Beautiful. Can’t say more!!!

  4. I applaud U sir..infact flesh and Blood has nt revealed dis to U

  5. Hmmmmmm……………funnybut true

    • Ha….. I’m gonna reblog it too, told Bukky as soon as I read it. Genius!!!!! You don’t know how good you are.

    • That’s a smart answer to a tricky quseiton

    • – It might mean that a number of people are interested in using Curia simply because it will tell them precisely what they want to hear. Not too dissimilar from an electorate at the last election.

    • Jamison awaiting for Tuesday the “final” offer so he’s almost a Laker hanging on a cliff.That is a good addition with career stats of 17+ ppg but another 36 yrs. old., Grant Hill is also about to become a Laker…. keep the reunion intact.Lakers new acquisitions are either too experienced or too raw in Sacre or Ervin Johnson Odom. I want to hear on Jodie Meeks and Brandon Rush.

    • Howdy I am so happy I found your blog, I really found you by mistake, while I was researching on Digg for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say kudos for a fantastic post and a all round entertaining blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to go through it all at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also included your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the great job.

    • Informative and precise…Its hard to find informative and precise information but here I noted…Friendly Staff  Overall Rating  Quality of Work  

  6. chei! Brilliant appropriation.

    God help Nigeria!

  7. Lola Seyi-Shotayo

    Awesome! Pls which chapter in the unholy book can iit be found? Lmfao

  8. Good one and very ingenious indeed. It is the sermon our politicians and other public office holders would want preached to them. However, the day of reconing is coming when there loots shall not be able to save them.

  9. Good one and very ingenious indeed. It is the sermon our politicians and other public office holders would want preached to them. However, the day of reconing is coming when there loots shall not be able to save them. God bless Nigeria

  10. Gives one a smile in the face of the many monsters confronting us. Brilliant.

  11. Very brilliant piece!

  12. Maxwell Ajukwu

    LOOTITUDE AS A CONCEPT WIL GRADUALLY FIND ITS WAY INTO THE NIGERIA’S POLITICAL LEXICON. I SALUTE UR UNIQUE INGENUITY AND SENSE OF DERISION. BUT LET ME ADD “blessed are those who may defiantly lead d Legislooters probe committee against d status-quo, for they shall forfeit their second term ticket”

    • LOL, I love the flow…………… I just might use that in Chapter Two

      • I similar to the priceless details you give within your posI2.t&#8s17;ll bookmark your web site and examine once more here recurrently.I am particularly definitely sure I’ll gain knowledge of a great deal of recent things best suited the following! Fine luck with the following!

  13. LMAO!!! This is sic! Good job hun 🙂

  14. waiting to see you do one from the book of the other popular religion and see what comments would be made.

  15. Nice one Bukky. May be it should be “Lootitude : The sermon on Mount Aso ” . Kudos!!

  16. It is no wonder, Nigerians are winning all the winnable awards there are in the writing world. Keep the ink from drying and the only way is to continue writing. Give it up to you.

  17. mohammed naseer ibraheem

    Comical but sadly is the reality in Nigeira. Nice article.

  18. LWKMD. Oh Bukola, You are soooo talented, its amazing. I read it over and over again. Please na! Propose na. So that my children go know book too. Well done B.

  19. The lootitudes delivered on the mount of ineptitude…you brightened my evening

  20. A very nice piece

  21. hauwa abdullahi

    While it cld be said to be ingenious, I felt I was reading the desecrated Word of God! It was mockery @ worse! You took a beautiful passage and uglified it in the name of what?? You cld written beautifully w/out going down this path. Sad.

    • @ Hauwa Abdullahi; Honestly, I agree with you because I felt the same way when I read it at first. But on second thoughts, it’s actually not what it you think it is. This is a satire, aimed at the hearts of hypocrites who hide behind the sacredness of their titles and authority to commit their wicked acts.

      This approach wasn’t meant to desecrate God or blasphem Him. I tell you, even God has put His stamp on it!! You can ask Him yourself-He’ll tell you.

    • Desecrate the word of God? Uglified a passage? Are you a Nigerian?

  22. Very funny, but brilliant. He is giving them tips on both sides(EFCC and you know) . But watch ur back o.

  23. A nice one there

  24. The Lootitudes?? We need to run a national advert about this-on newspapers, TV, Print, Internet……..what do you think? Great Article!!

    • The lootitudians control the print and electronic media o, na we own social media so our campaign continues here until we overthrow them. Thanks for reading!

  25. odebunmi omotolani

    Ah ah ah!awon eleyi, won ko yati*permit my razzness*…You are the best.GBAM!

  26. This is hillarious.

  27. Brilliant piece! LWKMD!!!

  28. This is funny but trueeeeeee……From the holy book (ARV) Aso-Rock Revised Version.

  29. Zebbook, you haff kill person oh. Abeg we dey wait for the part two.

  30. Blessed are the writers, for they shall reveal the truths. Zebbook, please go and patent that word against all the LOOTOCRATS

  31. Hilarious yet true

  32. This is the society we live in…very sad plight 4 we Nigerians. Verily, verily I say unto you, unless a man be born of loot, he shall not see the kingdom of wealth and immunity…

  33. Olatunji Olufemi

    Nice one, actually d truth.

  34. Reblogged this on thisiseseosa and commented:
    This is an amazing piece from a writer I look up to.

  35. I am speechless that’s y I haven’t commented till now. I am sure Jona and his ppl sef must have seen it. In church right now and Pastor Tunde Bakare was quoting the Lootitudes. Zebbook I celebrate you.

  36. I have been looking for this article…I could remember reading the advert on Twitter. Great Conceptualisation, Zebbook. This’s a sound product from a creative mind. A sad story of a great nation!

  37. Akeni Efe Harrison

    Orinigal n true…I’m compelled to comment.

  38. Hmm,all ministers of God who are real change agents must read this! Else,Babylonian system will penetrate……..God bless you sir!

  39. Quite inventive

  40. ELCREAM ADEBANJO

    This is crazy and hillarious. Can’t stop laffing.

  41. wannabe has been

    God shall bless thee for thy truth which ye has spoken. Three bgoza bgoza gboza!!! For you

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