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King Woodruff and his blood guards (Part 5) by Debo Adejugbe

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And there came a time in the land of wazobia, when king Woodruff wanted to celebrate the freedom of his forefathers from slavery. He put together a committee to plan the festival and tasked them on a colourful but quiet celebration. He went into his hallowed shrine to thank his gods for the gift of kingship and unfettered access to the kingdom’s treasury.

Meanwhile, in another part of the Kingdom, the disciples of the dead warlord in the tribe of the north were watching the events with undivided attention. They had made plans to send in their matyrs, to bomb the infidels and those who went about their businesses with little fuss. They put together an army of young children, stolen or kidnapped from their parents, armed with strapped jacket bombs that could not be easily detected by the obviously inefficient mirror scanners – mirrors to scan bombs in a very large and vast kingdom as wazobia land.

Somewhere else, the king’s opposition were lamenting on the progress that were made during king Bamba’s reign. They looked through the list of achievements that was put forward by the king, shredding the list into pieces with arguments that were tagged “superior”. Three groups, three ideologies, three commitments and three cycles that required decisive leadership – the cycle of planning, implementation and maintenance.

The land of wazobia lacked efficient leadership and discerning followership. An obvious inadequacy that must be tackled, but king Woodruff Bamba certainly did not see it that way.

The king, without the counsel of his beloved wife, Palolo – who traveled away from the kingdom in search of cures to several ailments that befell her in quick succession, was very sad and called on Aliyaro for help. Aliyaro did not disappoint the king – a genius in the act of reverse corruption warfare – so good was she, to the extent that she could steal a cow without being noticed. She had magic-buttery magnetic fingers that could grab money from any distance………..


During the lamentation of King Woodruff, the disciples of the murdered warlord in the North struck. A wannabe matyr drove into a gathering of people and bombed them, leaving just pieces of their flesh. King Bamba sent Abiatti – the court jester to commiserate with the people. The people in their state of shock, sadness and anger took to “tilter” to express their displeasure. The court jester took offense and he wrote a newsy piece to lambast the “tilterring children of anger” for their percieved one-sidedness on the criticism of king Woodruff Bamba.

Abiatti called them out for complaining about the king’s 3,000,000 shekel worth of food a day. He was angry that they exposed the several weaknesses of King Woodruff. He argued that the king is not a glutton – he only takes 3,000,000 shekel worth of cassava buns with no gins, pepper soup, slices of yam and a little water before he retires into into his inner chamber, looking for people to appoint into committees.

On seeing Mr Abiatti, the court jester’s piece, the “children of anger” returned the favour. Notable among the jobless, tiltering children of anger were “Omoluwa, Kekeeke, Zebboorky, Ayourby, egbasy, Sagunro, debjugbe” – they reversed Mr Abiatti’s excellently stupid piece and threw it back at him. He went quiet, but he had achieved his aim of making King Woodruff believe he could be better than Olugbe – the defiant lion.


The deliberation resumed, with discussions on how clueless king Woodruff acted in the way he ruled the kingdom. But Aliyaro and the king’s gang went about planning a very small freedom ceremony for the same price as a big one. They were concerned and scared of the disciples of the murdered warlord of the North. The ceremony was to take place in King Woodruff’s palace, in honor of the king who has been an unrepentant coward – one that lacked solid and recognizable leadership intents.

Disaster struck again in the kingdom!

The King lied in his broadcast to the people! He embellished his lies with concocted facts and data. He read out the entire script written by cohorts of Aliyaro and the other watery heads in his Kingdom without asking for where the data was sourced. When the first set of lies surfaced, no one believed the whole speech again, as it was laced with half-truths dished out to decieve the subjects in wazobia.

Just as the people were debating the “Liar King”, somewhere in the northern part of the kingdom, people who went about their businesses in one of the schools, established to foster unity and developments amongst the people, were getting their own dose of “freedom day” bloodbath. 40 people or more were killed – matcheted and shot – like animals; the attack was preconcieved, cowardly, senseless, foolish and petty. But it had claimed a lot of lives that couldn’t be replaced.

The gauntlet was thrown down in MIBU where over 40 people were killed, but the “independence sorrow” did not just stop there. Three able-bodied young men were killed extra-judicially, under the pretense that they stole gadgets belonging to others. They were not accused of Rape, Killing or Armed robbery, but stealing. And before anyone could say Jack, they were lynched to death. In a kingdom with laws, that king Woodruff had promised to uphold.

These are sad times!

We have people who loot for a living, stealing everything that should make wazobia kingdom a better place, they roam our streets brandishing these wealth in different forms without fear of being lynched to death. Some of them are working in king Woodruff’s court, nothing shall by any means hurt them according to the wishes of the king.

We await the explanations for the independence lies, the callous killing of over 40 people and the senseless, inexplicable lynching of youths under flimsy guises.

We need help……….because we are dying in droves, and no one……..NO ONE cares.

……To be continued.

I’m @deboadejugbe

About debospeaks

Hailey's Dad | IT Professional | Chronic Optimist | Incurable Satirist | DeboSpeaks | @deboadejugbe


  1. These pieces really set a standard in the inydrtsu.

  2. I think it’ll be closer to $1000, depending on which slip-on exhaust you get. I don’t think you’ll be able to get the full mojo from a PC alone; I expect there to be too much restrictive lameness in the stock slip-on.

  3. That’s a knowing answer to a difficult question

  4. Hey Pres. I was at the game yesterday. Let me tell you when the Pats fans represented at that game. There were as much of us as them. They funniest thing was their stupid chant. For every first down they would say “Move them chains”. It was hysterical”. We celebrate touchdowns not first downs. They had two upper sections tarped and three sections under the jumbotron on the north side of their stadium. Patethic.

  5. Milton Friedman made me the radical I am today :-PI first picked up "Capitalism and Freedom" the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year of college, and the rest is history.

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